Are you a parent? Tired of your kids coloring things that have nothing to do with your boring taste in music? Then hand them the Indie Rock Coloring Book. Finally, you can pass your taste for soft, unobjectionable mush onto your progeny without all those wasted hours of making them shush while you listen to the ceiling speakers at Whole Foods.
“Only within the lines!” you’ll shout, grabbing their hand to stifle their creativity. “And muted colors. None of this bright stuff. This is indie rock. We’re not sellouts.” The only good thing about this whole idea is that your kids will grow up allergic to this adult-contemporary gruel and probably end up listening to rap.
College textbooks may be in the top-ten of the worst things for sale, ever. It’s not bad enough that the universe makes you feel worthless if you don’t get a degree, and then laughs at you when you want a job. No, along the four- or five-year journey to your worthless diploma, they make you buy dozens of textbooks.
The future has brought slight reprieve to the textbook problem - you can buy them online for cheap, get free shipping, and resell them for more than the snotty guy at the campus bookstore wants to give you when the class is over. But the fundamental issue remains that introductory calculus, or chemistry, or whatever, has not changed in at least twenty years. The only difference is the word problems have changed.
Skrillex buys an ice cream cone whose height is h and radius r, topped with a sphere of ice cream with radius 1.1r. His friend Deadmau5 texts him on an iPhone 4, and while he texts back, the ice cream melts and runs into the cone. The cone has a leak which allows the melted ice cream to run out the bottom at rate 0.031r3 per minute (t). Express the surface area of the cone filled with melted ice cream as a function of time. Do not use rage faces in your solution.
“Masterful Lover: How To Give A Woman A Nipple Orgasm” is a well-written and exhaustive guide for the modern romantic. The author uses over a dozen medical and scientific articles to explain the intricacies of the hahahahaha I can’t keep going it’s three pages long and please read the customer reviews left by the people willing to admit they bought a book about nipplegasms.
I walked through the rainforest for hours, almost giving up before coming upon a small clearing with a hut. I knocked on the door, and the shaman waved me in.
On the dirt floor of the hut sat a new MacBook Pro, and in preparation for my visit, the shaman had called up the recipe for ayahuasca, the spiritual hallucinogen of his ancestors. “You can get all the shit you need online, bro,” he told me, pointing to a listing for powdered mimosa hostilis. “I’ll get overnight on it so we can get trippy ASAP.” He clicked the checkout button, and then opened the MP3 player. “You into Shpongle?” I shook my head. He ignored me, clicking the Shpongle, and the laptop’s speakers began to play vaguely-ethnic techno.
“You want some bath salts?” he asked, passing me a paper envelope. I shook my head again, and he laughed. “I fuckin’ love bath salts, bro,” he said, tilted his head back, and emptied the envelope into one nostril.